I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Randomize
