i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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