I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
