There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
