Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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