I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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