hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
