i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
