legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
