Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
