I accidentally had phone sex last night
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
