I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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