I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We are all done wearing pants today
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
