I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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