i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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