God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
