life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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