My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
