last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
