stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
