3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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