I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
