my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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