my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
