i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
splinters make it hard to masturbate
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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