Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
