i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
