You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
