i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
