Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Vodka?
Forever.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
