the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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