You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So vagazzling was a success
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
