Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
