Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
