I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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