i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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