I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
