oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
