i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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