Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
