I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
