I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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