well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Text me some of your sweat
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