my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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