I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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