she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
