she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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