maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
