sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
