I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
